President Dr. David Livingston recently held an emergency meeting in the Wardrobe to Narnia, located somewhere in the St. Charles Borromeo building, to address why Lewis’ tuition has increased. While it was announced that tuition will be increased to only $420,000 for the 2019 to 2020 school year, Livingston cited some updates Lewis urgently needs to keep up with “the cooler colleges that have more student engagement on campus every weekend.”
The first update students can observe on campus will be the designer spirit wear, made by none other than Goochy, soon to be available in the campus bookstore. This new spirit wear will ensure more students enroll, as no millennial or Gen Z-er can pass up the opportunity to show off designer apparel on social media, especially if said apparel has the name of one’s beloved college scribbled all over it.
Perhaps the most well-received contribution to the increase in tuition is the renovated dorm rooms, set to be remodeled in every single dorm except for Ryan and Cody Halls, as there’s no hope for them at this point anymore. With an increase of one square foot, these new dorm rooms will prove room size does matter, as the expansion will enable most doubles to turn into triples.
“I’m so thankful to Lewis for keeping the morale of the students a top priority when looking at what really are the necessary changes that must be made,” said Rich B. Otch. “Though my dad’s wallet may not be happy, I’m just holding out to see how much tuition can really get up to while still having students willing to pay it. Who knows, maybe Lewis will be on the news again!”
Additionally, updates in the dining halls account for the rise in tuition. While the quality of the food, the cleanliness of the kitchens and the pay rate of Sodexo employees are no doubt beyond exemplary, one obvious weak point is the lack of variety in colors of plates. New colors to be introduced will come from the tens of selections in Sodexo’s custom kitchenware line, featuring colors such as I’m Failing Fuschia, Yeet Yeet Yellow and Super Bowl Ruined Maroon.
In an effort to fill the swampy green mess that is the lawn connecting the Arts and Sciences building to Borromeo, Lewis is investing $1,357,219.65 into its blooming LARPing community. The team will be provided a new stadium that will rival the likes of Soldier Field in size, and the school will also provide full-ride scholarships to all members of the team.
LARP, which stands for live-action role play, has been ranked by ESPN as the fastest growing college sport for 2019. Seeing an opportunity to generate student interest on a relatively unknown topic, Lewis is going all out in making LARPing the next big thing.
The proposed stadium will not only give students something to gaze at during their long walk to and from Borromeo, but it will encourage students to take some time to venture in and see what the LARPing lifestyle is all about. The stadium will also be used exclusively for LARPing, no other interesting types of sporting events, as LARPing is clearly the best sport the college has to offer.
“I am truly committed to the LARP way of life,” said team captain Noah Soshalife. “I don’t like to think of it as role-playing, more as my reality. Dare I say, we might be the strongest team on campus, and we deserve the most respect for our accomplishments.”
Being a member of the LARPing team surely has its benefits: it is the only team on campus where the university pays for their off-campus party pad, known as the LARP lair. For many LARPers, though they may be excellent students, the only way they could go to college is through a full-ride scholarship, as they are all given, even as benchwarmers.
Soshalife’s right hand man and teammate Les Confidantz feels strongly about the impact of LARPing on college students. “LARPing is something everyone in college should give a try. I think it should be required at least once. It’s literally my life. If you don’t LARP, you basically suck. And like the skills I learned from the team can so easily be applied to any career I might choose.”
The 2019 White Sox are projected to win the World Series this year, according to the experts in Vegas. The Sox will open the season with 5-2 odds to win the title. These odds are the best out of all the MLB teams. The White Sox are followed by the Tampa Rays who have 7-2 odds to win the World Series.
The White Sox bring back a lot of talent from last season. Starting pitcher Jon Garland will take the mound on opening day. The White Sox also signed big designated hitter Frank Thomas to a contract extension, which goes through the 2025 season. Thomas has led the Sox in home runs in every season since 2001.
Chicago brings back more than just talented players. They also will bring back manager Ozzie Guillen who led the Sox to a 49-102 season last year; their best season since 1932 when they managed to go 102-49. Owner Jerry Reinsdorf said, “Guillen coming back for another season is something we are very proud of. We know that this team has the potential to break the 102-win mark that the 1932 team had. Guillen is more than capable of managing these exceptional baseball players.”
While there are a lot of positives heading into the 2019 season, there are still a few questions that have to be answered. First, the Sox will have to find a catcher as they have currently played all of spring training without one. They also have to fill the hole of waterboy. The team currently does not have a waterboy, and players have been complaining about dehydration due to the lack of staff. Center fielder Aaron Rowand said, “We need a waterboy quickly otherwise we are not going to be able to stay hydrated for this season. Having a good waterboy is a critical part of any baseball team in the MLB. If we do not get a waterboy we will not have a good season!”
These issues are something that the White Sox will continue to monitor as the season quickly approaches.
The White Sox open the season against the Arizona Diamondbacks. This will be a cake walk for the team as they lost all of their meetings against the Diamondbacks last season. The Diamondbacks were one of the worst teams in the league last year, so having a warm up matchup for the season opener is something the Sox cannot take for granted. The Sox will carry in their undefeated record on season openers into the game. This should certainly boost their confidence; in fact, it is likely the Sox will play eight players on the field because there is no need for the ninth.
Vegas has been right on the past 21 World Series winners, so with their projection of the White Sox to win the World Series it is highly unlikely that the Sox will lose in the playoffs this year. History almost always repeats itself, so it should be no different for the Sox this year. The Vegas predictions should help inspire the team to gain confidence and win the World Series, not because they want to do it for each other but because Vegas projected it.
The Flyers’ hobbyhorse team mourns the death of one of their top horses who suffered from a 12-mph collision with the ground after the horse’s jockey tripped over a hurdle. The horse, a Danish stallion named Woody, held multiple honors in the jumping event during its career with jockey Luna Tickalert. While Tickalert did not sustain any injuries, she was visibly shaken when she realized the severity of Woody’s wounds as his head lay feet from the end of her stick, frothing at the neck.
Tickalert refused to talk to reporters after the event as she was escorted out by her animal abuse defense attorney. Instead, she released a statement announcing her and the team’s grief at the loss of a beloved racer. “I have a great respect for the animals that we work with and would never intentionally put them in harm’s way,” she said. “I will always remember Woody for his strong personality, and I will never forget the way he would neigh for me when I rode him.”
While the team continues to grieve the loss of Woody, the other jockeys are preparing their hobbyhorses to compete in lieu of the stallion in next week’s competition. “I’m just lucky it wasn’t my mare,” said senior hobbyhorse-back rider Shirley Deranged. “My horse is my best friend; I ride that stick every day.”
Woody’s replacement is expected to arrive on campus on Monday, April 1, according to the tracking number provided by FedEx. The new horse, Night Ryder, will be assembled and ready to race at the international tournament in Turku, Finland in late April.
The first annual intramural speed knitting competition will likely be the last after the contest went from stitching to stitches for two contestants. According to a third athlete, the altercation broke out when the second-place contestant, Lou Pinyarn, “accidentally” stabbed the hand of his first-place rival, Sonya Scarph, as both of them reached their needles to claim the same ball of It’s A Wrap Rainbow yarn.
While competition rules state that all needles must stop weaving in the event of an emergency, Pinyarn continued to loop at least four more stitches after causing Scarph’s bodily harm and hearing the official’s whistle. Aware of Pinyarn’s sabotage tactic, Scarph picked up her needle and penetrated Pinyarn’s knit potholder, simultaneously stabbing his arm.
The witness, Shay Cancrochet, believes the conflict could have been avoided altogether if both competitors simply had better taste. “I have no sympathy for either of them,” Cancrochet said.
“You deserve to get stabbed for reaching for that hideous material to begin with. Who adorns their kitchen in rainbow accessories?”
While officials debate if the brawl should render the remaining participants unable to compete in a second annual knitting competition, they are also unsure if two contestants is enough to call it a competition under ISCKCA (International Speed and Competitive Knitting Coaches Association) rules.